Burnout

 Where to start, what to say. It has been a tough couple of months. In June I injured my shoulder and had to have it immobilised for a while. I then found out that an uncle died on the same day. Great-uncle really, he was my grandmother's btother in law. He was 87 and had been unwell for a long time, but it is still a shock.

Before the prescribed healing time for my shoulder was up, my lovely doggy Sherry got sick. At first I thought it was just from the heat, it was a very hot, humid day. He didn't seem any better after a storm cleared the air and cooled the day down, so I thought maybe it was something he ate. He was no better in the morning, and seemed to have trouble lying down. I still thought it was probably an upset stomach  but I took him to the vet to be on the safe side. It was a good job that I did. It was discovered that he had a tumour on his spleen.  It was such a shock as he had seemed perfectly fine until the previous day. 

I have been under stress for so long that I usually can't physically cry, but I did cry that day! And in front of people. A knife of shock pierced the armour of my dissociation.  The vet was excellent. Unfortunately their surgeon was fully booked all day, so they contacted another vet clinic and arranged for him to have emergency surgery there. It was just outside Prague so it was a bit of a journey. It was a nice area. I would have liked it if I'd been there under different circumstances. 

The vet at this place did more thorough scans and discovered that the tumour was massive and had started bleeding. Due to the size of the tumour and Sherry's age, they were not hopeful. They were not sure whether it was worth doing the surgery or not. The first vet, our regular vet, had done blood tests and everything was OK with those, they'd also checked his heart and lungs and they were fine, so the new vets decided to do some x-rays to check for any more tumours. 

After the x-rays I could sense a definite change in attitude. They gave him some pain relief and put him on a drip to replace lost fluids, and told me that they were doing the surgery. There were no signs of any other problems. They made him comfortable on some cushions and I sat with him until the drip was done and it was time for surgery. I cuddled him as they gave him the anaesthetic and he fell asleep. I was still terrified,it was major surgery and he is an elderly gentleman now. There were still a lot of risks. It was a good job that I had been saving money to get my teeth fixed, it meant I had the money to pay for the surgery and treatment.

In between tests, I let my very good friend know about the situation. When he lived in Prague he used to Foster rescue dogs, and it was through him that I met Sherry. I also posted the news on Facebook because all my friends love Sherry. My friend offered to come to Prague, and friends were even offering to help with the cost for him to come. Sherry is very much loved! I was a wreck so I appreciated that very much. He got on the next train to Prague, and was due in around the same time as Sherry was due to come out of surgery. 

I couldn't face going home so I got some food at a nearby pub. I hadn't eaten all day and it was now evening. I did find it difficult to eat, but I needed something. By the time I'd finished, Sherry was due out of surgery so I went back to see if there was any news. After a while they told me that he was out of surgery but still under the effects of the anaesthetic. They said that they removed the tumour, along with his spleen, and had a good look around but saw no other signs of tumours. They told me that the tumour was nearly the size of my head! That was surprising, as he showed no outward signs. They sent it to a lab for biopsy. They let me see him (he had to stay in overnight) and then I heard from my friend that he was arriving in Prague.

We met up in a bar in town, near the Žižkov television tower. It just happened to be the first place he took me to the first time I ever came to Prague. I was in emotional overload. Relieved that the surgery had gone well, but worried for the future and his recovery, and the results of the biopsy. I had told my friend when I was on the way that I would be needing something strong, and there were shots and beer lined up waiting for me.

I was very emotional, my dissociation had not kicked back in, I ended up offloading about other things too, such as my problems with my residency papers, driving licence, general health, etc. It did help. I had kept things bottled up for so long. I then proceeded to get very drunk. My friend said he was going to be the responsible one so that I could do that and let off steam. We ended up in my favourite bar until around 5am. It was only the second time I my life that I had gotten drunk enough to throw up. The other time being when I was 17. 30 years ago!

He came with me to collect Sherry the next day. I was an anxious wreck. We had to wait a while, but when they brought him to us I couldn't stop smiling at him. Poor boy was obviously sore and tired, but seemed better than I expected. After a meeting with the vet about aftercare and prognosis, we took him home. He was sluggish and lethargic all day, but that was understandable. He was also in a full body bandage, and as the weather was hot, he was not comfortable in that. By the next day he was starting to get back to his usual self. Now, if it wasn't for his shaved abdomen, you wouldn't know he had been ill and had major surgery! 

The week following all this, I experienced a major slump. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Like my body was running on adrenaline to keep me going during the crisis, but had then left me empty. My shoulder was also not healing because of needing to be in use during the crisis, taking care of Sherry, helping at the vet, etc. It is still not better yet.

After this I had one week at work, then 2 weeks off that I had already booked. Obviously Sherry and I couldn't go on the rafting trip as planned. It was too soon after his surgery, and he still had stitches. Sherry and I spent the 2 weeks at home, relaxing and taking it easy. His biopsy results came through, and although they can't be 100% certain due to the size of the tumour, they found no malignant cells. Fingers crossed that he continues to do well!

Unfortunately the burnout that I had already started feeling even before all this happened is still ongoing. I need a long break away from the city, out in the countryside, relaxing and doing fun things with cool people. The previous rafting trip managed to keep the burnout at bay last year. I am feeling overwhelmed, and more so now that I am back at work. My job had never been a contributor to my burnout before, but at the moment it is. I just feel like I haven't had a break, like my vacation was not a vacation. I have also been made responsible for quality assurance at work, which I have since discovered is not a career path that I want to take. I sometimes get pleasure from seeing improvements from people taking note of my feedback and suggestions, but in general it is quite dull and monotonous. 

I still don't know how I'm going to sort my life out. My teeth will need to wait longer before being fixed due to the money, but as I hear Sherry snoring gently next to me, I know it was worth it. If I had waited even a day longer to take him to the vet he might not have been here now. I an so glad to still have him here with me. And I really appreciate all the good wishes from people during that time.