Lockdown continues

It's day ?? of lockdown,  I don't know, all days are pretty much the same. I believe it is nearly April, and I believe summertime has officially started. It started with snow. Unusually, there was not much snow over the winter. It is also unusual to have it this late. There wasn't much,  but it was still strange. We had more snow today.

I have a sinus infection.  It was only a matter of time, considering the problems in this flat. I had a doctor consultation by sms. Strange times call for strange measures! First contact by me via email, then 5he doctor tried to call back, but loss of voice was one of my symptoms. So sms it was. I've just finished a course of antibiotics but my sinus pain is today almost enough to make me cry. Even the codeine painkillers aren't helping much, but I think I'm too numb inside to cry.

This period has reminded me of how unhappy I am with my life. Something I've been trying to avoid thinking about since the summer. Strangely though, I'm not suffering from the loneliness,  isolation,  insecurity,  and instability as much as many other people.  Don't get me wrong,  I most definitely feel it, but I think I have become so used to it over time that I can't be bothered panicking. I'm insecure about my job, about my accommodation situation, unsere about where the hell my life is going, am lonely as fuck sometimes, but these feelings are nothing new to me. I hate them, but it's just the same old shit as before the lockdown. The only thing that really worries me is who will look after my dog if I get the virus?

Other than that, I have been sleeping a lot. Probably because of the sinus infection and the myriad of pills I've had over the past week.  I'm surprised I don't rattle when I walk. I must be pharmacy personified. So not a lot of news from me. One thing I had to do though was report my flatmate to the landlord. She decided to spend quarantine at her boyfriend's place but she was coming over here every day and having visitors. This is not allowed under the quarantine rules, and puts people in danger of infection. I felt guilty at first, but that has passed. I just hope she doesn't make things too miserable when she comes back.

The state of emergency was originally due to end on the 24th March but it got extended to April 1st, now to April 11th, and there is a possibility that it could be extended to the middle of May. Hey-ho. It's a shit situation but if it helps at all, then so be it. We may be out for my birthday,  we may not. A friend has a birthday soon, which will be spent under lockdown.  Perhaps we can have a joint late birthday thing once this is over.

I feel I need something positive to care about, something positive to look forward to. I just don't know what.  I remember being on a long train journey when I was a kid, and going through a tunnel that never seemed to end. That's what this feels like. To be honest, that's what life has felt like since the summer. I hope my next blog won't be so damn gloomy. To make up for this, here are some photos of the spring blossoms before the snow, the garden in the snow, and a photo of my dog because he is adorable.

May you live in interesting times

May you live in interesting times - thought to be an English translation of an old curse. Also the basis for a book by one of my favourite authors.  Well, we certainly seem to be living in interesting times now! 

This is my first blog post for around 2 and a half years. Life happens, and all that. So much has happened in that time. I graduated from university, broke my foot on a camping and rafting trip, visited Norway, moved to Prague. It is just over two years that I moved here. That time has been eventful, to say the least. Including a boat accident on my second camping and rafting trip, which led to hypothermia and hypoxia,  and I nearly died on a riverbank.  I had months of temporary brain damage after that. That was 2018. I'm going to skip over 2019 as it was awful, to the point I'd rather go through 2018 again with the accident than go through 2019 again. The whole month of July is missing from my memory anyway.

So... 2020. What on earth can I say about this? Well, unless you've been living under a rock you know what has been going on so far this year. So let's start with now. Here in Czech Republic we have been under lockdown for a couple of weeks now. All shops, bars, sports facilities etc closed apart from essential things like groceries and pharmacies, that sort of thing. The birders are closed. The government are discussing the possibility of the borders remaining closed for anything from 6 months to 2 years. I know that is the worst case scenario,  but the fact that they are discussing it as a possibility freaked me out a little. In daily life, the restrictions on free movement within the country was meant to end tomorrow,  but it has been extended.  

On a personal level, I have discovered that what my regular life has become can be classed almost as social isolation.  I don't know what to feel about that. I have to talk all day at work, outside of work I don't often want to talk much. I also now live an hour journey from work, so I'm usually exhausted. I do, however, share my life with an adorable dog. He was an emergency foster dog that my ex flatmate took in, his previous owners starved him, the rescue people actually took the police to take him away. So after work one thundery night I met this adorable bag of skin and bones. We could see almost every bone in his body. Nearly 2 years later he is lying next to me, snoring, healthy and happy, and very much loved. Despite his previous treatment he is the loveliest natured, quirky, cuddly boy.

Health wise, it was discovered that I have a lump growing in one of my sinuses, thought to be a cyst. It needs to be surgically removed but understandably that is on hold now. It explains the reoccurring sinus infections,  and how they have been getting worse and more frequent.  

As for the future, who knows? It is extremely uncertain.  All I've really wanted out of life is security and stability,  two things I've never managed to get. I want to find somewhere I feel I belong, and not have a permanent underlying worry that things will go wrong at any moment. I guess that, for the time being,  will have to remain fantasy