Trouble Afoot

 Let's start with the good news. The results of Sherry's biopsy came, and it was clear. They can't be 100% certain because of the size of it, but they are quite sure. He is continuing to do well. He had his appointment for his vaccinations this week and the vet was really happy with how he is.

Unfortunately, on the way to the appointment I fell. I hurt both feet, a knee, and the shoulder that I had injured in June. I had to be picked up by a couple of gardeners because I couldn't get up. After a while I was able to walk on, I had one of my crutches with me so I continued to take Sherry to his appointment. 

A couple of hours later, however, one foot had become much more painful and was starting to swell up. Due to the other foot also being injured it took me around 10 minutes to get from a sitting position to a standing position.  It was so painful that I called the hospital line and they sent a non-emergency ambulance for me. It turned out that I tore a ligament in my foot. I was given one of those moon boot supports, told to keep weight completely off it, and keep it elevated. Giung back to walking on both crutches has been difficult because of the shoulder injury. I don't know how much more of this bullshit I can cope with.

Work has not been great, after being told that I was responsible for a particular aspect and spending hours and days on set-up, I have a meeting with someone from another team who is to be involved to be told that this person had a meeting with my manager a couple of weeks ago, put forward another proposal, completely rewrote the documents I created, and the manager said that we will all do it that way. Nobody told me, so more days and weeks wasted on the work I was doing. I understand people wanting to go in a different direction, but it was disrespectful to not inform me.

The doctor put me on sick leave for a week due to my foot. I was surprised because I thought I'd just work from home, but after the disrupted sleep I understand why. I am not looking forward to going back to work. I quite liked my job until a couple of months ago.

So, the burnout is not getting better. Shit keeps happening to make it worse. Coping on my own with this stupid foot has been difficult. Sherry is not impressed because I can't take him for walks. Summer is coming to an end and I've only enjoyed about three days of it. I hope things get better soon otherwise I may lose my mind.

I'm going to concentrate on the first thing I mentioned. My lovely Sherry is doing well.

Burnout

 Where to start, what to say. It has been a tough couple of months. In June I injured my shoulder and had to have it immobilised for a while. I then found out that an uncle died on the same day. Great-uncle really, he was my grandmother's btother in law. He was 87 and had been unwell for a long time, but it is still a shock.

Before the prescribed healing time for my shoulder was up, my lovely doggy Sherry got sick. At first I thought it was just from the heat, it was a very hot, humid day. He didn't seem any better after a storm cleared the air and cooled the day down, so I thought maybe it was something he ate. He was no better in the morning, and seemed to have trouble lying down. I still thought it was probably an upset stomach  but I took him to the vet to be on the safe side. It was a good job that I did. It was discovered that he had a tumour on his spleen.  It was such a shock as he had seemed perfectly fine until the previous day. 

I have been under stress for so long that I usually can't physically cry, but I did cry that day! And in front of people. A knife of shock pierced the armour of my dissociation.  The vet was excellent. Unfortunately their surgeon was fully booked all day, so they contacted another vet clinic and arranged for him to have emergency surgery there. It was just outside Prague so it was a bit of a journey. It was a nice area. I would have liked it if I'd been there under different circumstances. 

The vet at this place did more thorough scans and discovered that the tumour was massive and had started bleeding. Due to the size of the tumour and Sherry's age, they were not hopeful. They were not sure whether it was worth doing the surgery or not. The first vet, our regular vet, had done blood tests and everything was OK with those, they'd also checked his heart and lungs and they were fine, so the new vets decided to do some x-rays to check for any more tumours. 

After the x-rays I could sense a definite change in attitude. They gave him some pain relief and put him on a drip to replace lost fluids, and told me that they were doing the surgery. There were no signs of any other problems. They made him comfortable on some cushions and I sat with him until the drip was done and it was time for surgery. I cuddled him as they gave him the anaesthetic and he fell asleep. I was still terrified,it was major surgery and he is an elderly gentleman now. There were still a lot of risks. It was a good job that I had been saving money to get my teeth fixed, it meant I had the money to pay for the surgery and treatment.

In between tests, I let my very good friend know about the situation. When he lived in Prague he used to Foster rescue dogs, and it was through him that I met Sherry. I also posted the news on Facebook because all my friends love Sherry. My friend offered to come to Prague, and friends were even offering to help with the cost for him to come. Sherry is very much loved! I was a wreck so I appreciated that very much. He got on the next train to Prague, and was due in around the same time as Sherry was due to come out of surgery. 

I couldn't face going home so I got some food at a nearby pub. I hadn't eaten all day and it was now evening. I did find it difficult to eat, but I needed something. By the time I'd finished, Sherry was due out of surgery so I went back to see if there was any news. After a while they told me that he was out of surgery but still under the effects of the anaesthetic. They said that they removed the tumour, along with his spleen, and had a good look around but saw no other signs of tumours. They told me that the tumour was nearly the size of my head! That was surprising, as he showed no outward signs. They sent it to a lab for biopsy. They let me see him (he had to stay in overnight) and then I heard from my friend that he was arriving in Prague.

We met up in a bar in town, near the Žižkov television tower. It just happened to be the first place he took me to the first time I ever came to Prague. I was in emotional overload. Relieved that the surgery had gone well, but worried for the future and his recovery, and the results of the biopsy. I had told my friend when I was on the way that I would be needing something strong, and there were shots and beer lined up waiting for me.

I was very emotional, my dissociation had not kicked back in, I ended up offloading about other things too, such as my problems with my residency papers, driving licence, general health, etc. It did help. I had kept things bottled up for so long. I then proceeded to get very drunk. My friend said he was going to be the responsible one so that I could do that and let off steam. We ended up in my favourite bar until around 5am. It was only the second time I my life that I had gotten drunk enough to throw up. The other time being when I was 17. 30 years ago!

He came with me to collect Sherry the next day. I was an anxious wreck. We had to wait a while, but when they brought him to us I couldn't stop smiling at him. Poor boy was obviously sore and tired, but seemed better than I expected. After a meeting with the vet about aftercare and prognosis, we took him home. He was sluggish and lethargic all day, but that was understandable. He was also in a full body bandage, and as the weather was hot, he was not comfortable in that. By the next day he was starting to get back to his usual self. Now, if it wasn't for his shaved abdomen, you wouldn't know he had been ill and had major surgery! 

The week following all this, I experienced a major slump. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Like my body was running on adrenaline to keep me going during the crisis, but had then left me empty. My shoulder was also not healing because of needing to be in use during the crisis, taking care of Sherry, helping at the vet, etc. It is still not better yet.

After this I had one week at work, then 2 weeks off that I had already booked. Obviously Sherry and I couldn't go on the rafting trip as planned. It was too soon after his surgery, and he still had stitches. Sherry and I spent the 2 weeks at home, relaxing and taking it easy. His biopsy results came through, and although they can't be 100% certain due to the size of the tumour, they found no malignant cells. Fingers crossed that he continues to do well!

Unfortunately the burnout that I had already started feeling even before all this happened is still ongoing. I need a long break away from the city, out in the countryside, relaxing and doing fun things with cool people. The previous rafting trip managed to keep the burnout at bay last year. I am feeling overwhelmed, and more so now that I am back at work. My job had never been a contributor to my burnout before, but at the moment it is. I just feel like I haven't had a break, like my vacation was not a vacation. I have also been made responsible for quality assurance at work, which I have since discovered is not a career path that I want to take. I sometimes get pleasure from seeing improvements from people taking note of my feedback and suggestions, but in general it is quite dull and monotonous. 

I still don't know how I'm going to sort my life out. My teeth will need to wait longer before being fixed due to the money, but as I hear Sherry snoring gently next to me, I know it was worth it. If I had waited even a day longer to take him to the vet he might not have been here now. I an so glad to still have him here with me. And I really appreciate all the good wishes from people during that time.

In Sickness And In Prague

 February was not much fun. Both Sherry and I got ill. Him with gastroenteritis, probably from eating something disgusting that he shouldn't have, and me with a winter respiratory thing, because that's what happens in winter. We both ended up on antibiotics. I was really worried about Sherry for a while. Thankfully he recovered, and is back to being his quirky playful self. One night I cried with worry about him. A few days later I cried happy tears because he started being playful again. The photo below was his first day wanting to play again

He has also been playing with his neighbourhood doggo friends. One corgi named Percy, another corgi named Butter, and his new friend, a pure white Swiss shepherd named Jessie. It was so good to see him running around with them. He can't run as much as he used to, due to his age and his arthritis, but he enjoys himself and rests when he needs to. 

I am almost over the respiratory thing, but I am still suffering from the after effects. Sheer exhaustion. I must go for full blood tests next week. Partly because I am long overdue for my thyroid checks, and partly because of the exhaustion.  On Wednesday I went back to work after sick leave, and at one point I nearly fell asleep and off my chair while I was actually working on something. This weekend has been mostly spent asleep.

Back in 2010 I developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after a series of kidney infections. My immunologist said that my immune system was attacking healthy cells, and that I should think of my immune system as an army that doesn't know the war is over. This feels like that, but thankfully not so extreme. I would be in trouble if it got to that point again, as I no longer have anyone to help me. Back then I had my father (now dead) and my grandparents (grandpa now dead, grandma in her 90s and partly paralysed due to a stroke). I am so far away from anyone I know well. 

Regarding my grandma I am always worried about her. I haven't seen her since 2017. Since before I moved to Prague. I don't even know what to write to her in an email because I am a failure at communicating and just don't know what to say. I certainly don't want to bother her with all my shit, but I am too tired to pretend to be happy. I hope she likes photos of Sherry, because that's the only way I'm able to show people I care about them. Sherry photos. That's my love language. And I can't bear the thought of losing either Sherry or Grandma, but due to their ages these thoughts haunt me.

In other news, Facebook memories reminded me that today is the 3 year anniversary of being offered the job at Doctors Without Borders.  That was some good news while I was recovering from Covid. I still don't know how I got through the interview, and I still can't remember the interview!  But I got the job, and even got promoted to team lead just over a year ago.

My direct manager, the head of our department, is moving away soon, and asked us team leads if any of us would be applying for the job. I can't say that I'm not interested,  but I have my doubts.  Am I good enough?  Am I even good enough as a team lead? Do I have the respect of the team? There are 3 team leads. One is known as the funny one, one is known as the technical one, and I am known as the nice one. Do people respect nice? Do they think I'm too nice and therefore a pushover? I am nice until I have reason not to be nice. They have not seen the tougher side of me because we have a good team and they've not needed to see it. That doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. I simply don't believe that leadership is about having power over people. I believe it is about encouraging people to strive to be the best that they can be, to continuously learn and grow, and in turn go forward and help others in the same way. It is about building a team that works well together, whose different strengths compliment each other, and encourage each other and share their knowledge. I grew up without encouragement and know how damaging it can be. I don't want people to go through the same, whatever their ages. I don't want to be a bitch just for the sake of showing strength. Does that make me too nice? 

Obviously another doubt about applying for it is my health. Is it a good idea while my physical and mental health is low? Could I cope? To be honest, other than my lovely Sherry, my job is about the only part of my life that isn't going to hell in a handbasket. Work is a distraction from life. I do wish I had more to life, but this is just the way it is at the moment. 

Another concern is how trapped I feel when I think of committing to staying in Prague. I love prague as a place to visit, for vacations, but after 6 years here I can safely say that actually living here does not make me happy. Post-Brexit UK is not the place for me either. At least I have a job that isn't minimum wage zero hour shit. That's if I could even find a job there. A friend has been encouraging me to consider Norway as a place to relocate to, and to be honest, I'm tempted. However, I currently do not have the physical or mental strength to make a move to another country. Or the finances. Norway is an expensive country and I do not have the money to move, or to support myself while I look for work and until I receive a wage. There's also the situation with my teeth. Would anyone want to hire someone with a mouth that looks like mine? Someone said to me that people will be completely focused on my abilities, but let's face it, that's not true. First impressions make an impact, and teeth like this look unprofessional. Especially for leadership positions. I have been saving up for the past 2 years to get them fixed, but the price keeps going up and I need to save more. It is an ongoing struggle.

I notice that this blog has a lot of words and not many photos, unlike my other posts. And there is not much positivity in it. Here is another photo of Sherry to make up for it. The best boy in the world. The goodest of good boys. My boy.

 

Lonely in a Crowd

February 2024 marks 6 years of living in Prague, and 10 years of leaving Greece. I had only planned to be away for 3 years. I must admit I never would have left if I'd known I wouldnt be going back. Then again, I wouldn't have met some awesome people and adopted my lovely doggo. I couldn't be without my boy. 

My time in Prague has been... eventful. Mostly not in good ways. A couple of things may have been mentioned in the past. In addition to those things, I was surprised by how much lonelier I have been in a city as opposed to the countryside. I miss the sense of community found in smaller places. I get overwhelmed by the noise, the traffic, and the number of people. People I mostly seem to be unable to connect with. Czech people seem to be cold and closed off until you get to know them, and as I am the same way, and also suffer from social anxiety, it is difficult to get to know people. Especially with the language problem. Czech is the most difficult language that I've tried to learn. After nearly 6 years, I still can't figure it out. 

What I really miss though, and what I want more than anything, is the feeling of being part of a family. Doing family things like going out somewhere for the day, eating a meal together, watching TV together. Simple things. Nothing fancy, but the feeling of belonging, of companionship. I feel so isolated and alone these days. If it wasn't for my lovely doggo I would go insane. All I want out of life is security, stability, a feeling of family, and belonging. I'm afraid that I may never have these things and it makes me unbearably sad.

In other news, I signed up to go on this year's rafting trip in the summer. I'm just waiting to see if I get my time off from work approved. I need to strengthen my arms and upper body for rowing. I injured my shoulder a few weeks ago when the elevator doors at work shut on me. A good thing about the rafting trip is that apart from getting in and out of the boats, my leg problems don't matter. 

There is a children's song on YouTube called The Fish Song, that I was introduced to by a friend I made on the rafting trip last year:

The Fish Song

 It's about how people are different and have different strengths, and concerns a fish among monkeys, trying to climb trees and feeling like a failure until it finds water, meets another fish, and discovers its own strengths. Her young son heard it and said to her (I am paraphrasing)  "A bit like Natasha, who can't climb trees but on the river is fine." I hope they will be on the trip again this year.

There isn't much other news. I bought a fancy bread machine but I'm not having much luck so far. I need to figure out what flour and yeast are best, and find some decent recipes. The recipes that came with the machine make no sense, and did not contain enough yeast. I will keep practicing. It also makes cakes, muffins, rolls, yogurt, and jam. I will get around to trying those things. I don't know if it is possible to make lactose free yogurt though.

I miss having people to bake for. I used to be good at making cakes. I made one a couple of weeks ago, for the first time in ages. Most of it went to waste because it went stale before I could eat much. There doesn't seem to be much point in baking cakes just for myself. I don't have a freezer, or anywhere to put one if I bought one, so I can't even make and freeze. I did make one on my birthday last year and take it into the office, everyone seemed to enjoy it. It didn't last long! I need people to cook and bake for. As long as they do the washing up!

Sorry that this post is a bit gloomy. I don't have much to write. I think I'll have a bath and go straight to bed. I feel like I could sleep for a week!