My time in Prague has been... eventful. Mostly not in good ways. A couple of things may have been mentioned in the past. In addition to those things, I was surprised by how much lonelier I have been in a city as opposed to the countryside. I miss the sense of community found in smaller places. I get overwhelmed by the noise, the traffic, and the number of people. People I mostly seem to be unable to connect with. Czech people seem to be cold and closed off until you get to know them, and as I am the same way, and also suffer from social anxiety, it is difficult to get to know people. Especially with the language problem. Czech is the most difficult language that I've tried to learn. After nearly 6 years, I still can't figure it out.
What I really miss though, and what I want more than anything, is the feeling of being part of a family. Doing family things like going out somewhere for the day, eating a meal together, watching TV together. Simple things. Nothing fancy, but the feeling of belonging, of companionship. I feel so isolated and alone these days. If it wasn't for my lovely doggo I would go insane. All I want out of life is security, stability, a feeling of family, and belonging. I'm afraid that I may never have these things and it makes me unbearably sad.
In other news, I signed up to go on this year's rafting trip in the summer. I'm just waiting to see if I get my time off from work approved. I need to strengthen my arms and upper body for rowing. I injured my shoulder a few weeks ago when the elevator doors at work shut on me. A good thing about the rafting trip is that apart from getting in and out of the boats, my leg problems don't matter.
There is a children's song on YouTube called The Fish Song, that I was introduced to by a friend I made on the rafting trip last year:
It's about how people are different and have different strengths, and concerns a fish among monkeys, trying to climb trees and feeling like a failure until it finds water, meets another fish, and discovers its own strengths. Her young son heard it and said to her (I am paraphrasing) "A bit like Natasha, who can't climb trees but on the river is fine." I hope they will be on the trip again this year.
There isn't much other news. I bought a fancy bread machine but I'm not having much luck so far. I need to figure out what flour and yeast are best, and find some decent recipes. The recipes that came with the machine make no sense, and did not contain enough yeast. I will keep practicing. It also makes cakes, muffins, rolls, yogurt, and jam. I will get around to trying those things. I don't know if it is possible to make lactose free yogurt though.
I miss having people to bake for. I used to be good at making cakes. I made one a couple of weeks ago, for the first time in ages. Most of it went to waste because it went stale before I could eat much. There doesn't seem to be much point in baking cakes just for myself. I don't have a freezer, or anywhere to put one if I bought one, so I can't even make and freeze. I did make one on my birthday last year and take it into the office, everyone seemed to enjoy it. It didn't last long! I need people to cook and bake for. As long as they do the washing up!
Sorry that this post is a bit gloomy. I don't have much to write. I think I'll have a bath and go straight to bed. I feel like I could sleep for a week!
