Mourning

Bit of a different blog post today. Last Monday I was told that Grandpa had died. I am currently in Prague, a long, long way from friends and family. When I heard the news I sort of went numb. I couldn't cry, couldn't feel much. It was around 2am that it actually hit me and I was in floods of tears. This is a piece of writing I did after that:

"Cry. Let the tears fall down like slightly salted rain from an endless sky of despair. Let them run down your face, tickling, teasing, tormenting your skin as they weave their way your cheeks or run in rivers down the side of your nose. Not pretty. Not perfectly pretty Hollywood style crying. Coughing, convulsing, and choking as sobs shake the shit out of your body. Face screwed up in ways you can't understand and can't stop. Can't control. Uncontrollably imperfectly unpretty. Nobody gives a fuck about pretty when such sorrow ensnares you. It feels like you have been kissed by a cannonball and danced with a double decker bus on drugs. It's more than a bot of moisture around the eyes. You feel like shit throughout your whole body. Ribs feel like something's been fighting them from within. You can't catch your breath. Why does this happen? What makes this happen? I don't know, but it leaves you feeling wrecked. And what next? I don't know. I swallow. I breathe. I wipe away the tears. I write in a notebook and wonder if sleep will come tonight. I don't know."

Only a short piece of writing. I did eventually manage to sleep. I take comfort in the fact that he is no longer suffering, that he went peacefully with Grandma next to him and some of his favourite music playing. Today is his funeral and I can't go. However, I am in a city he loved. I'll do a more cheerful blog post about his funny things soon, such as the crocodile under the stairs and the dragon at Arundel Castle.


All The Happy Creatures Go On Their Cheerless Way*


*Words of a song he made up and used to sing to my mother, aunt, and uncle when they were children

Starting is the Hardest Part

Hey, so here I am in Prague and the first semester of third year has started. Unfortunately I am having a confidence crisis in my project. Is the idea good enough? I am also feeling overloaded with possible things to include. The city is fascinating and I need to narrow down a lot and focus on a defined path. I'm waiting to hear back from my tutor on an email I sent asking advice, but as they didn't reply to four that I sent in August I'm not holding my breath. Ah well, I'm sure I'll figure it out. I can't say it's worth the £9000 per year tuition fees though, as we're practically being left alone and receiving little to no actual tuition for half of the academic year.

Anyway, on to more interesting things. As some of you know, yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of Christos dying. I decided that it wouldn't be good to stay in and think about things. He would not have approved of that! Yesterday also happened to be St Wenceslas Day and Day of Czech Statehood. I decided to go into Wenceslas Square. The autumn street markets have been in swing for the past couple of weeks, decorated with pumpkins and leaves:

Earlier this week there was a Czech folk band playing there, The Bohemian Bards, complete in traditional dress and almost traditional instruments. I never knew there was a Czech version of bagpipes. Lots of leather was also in evidence, including a leather kilt!

Yesterday I was lucky enough to be there just before a live show about Wenceslas. Unfortunately, due to my legs, I was unable to stay there for the whole thing (it was standing room only) but I did get some photos from the beginning of the show:

On a side note, I'm disappointed that I got a 24 hour ban from Facebook for posting my photos from the Prague Sex Machines Museum. I wonder if Blogger's policy is so strict...

All Change

Well, year three of university has officially started. First module being the independent, work away project. As I said in a past blog, my original intention was to do it in Crete doing a creative writing project based on the sensory  and mythogeographic elements of the island. After a summer facing harsh and unwelcome truths I knew I had to change things and so I find myself back in Prague. I have more than enough material and memories to stick with my Crete project but it seems such a shame to be in this beautiful, fascinating city without using any of it. But where do I start? There is enough material from the two places to keep going forever! I have just under three months and it is all to be condensed down into a 20 minute presentation. How joyous. Not.

To be honest I don't know where to start, ad there is very little in the way of support and advice from university. Correction, there seems to be none. Apart from one reply from my tutor to my first email saying that my project could possibly change, saying that they are always there for advice, there have been no replies to further emails for around a month. No advice or opinions on the alternative ideas I put forward. No replies to concerns I have. Nothing. Nada. Nought.

When it was time to submit our final update forms, I decided to do a creative writing project based on the similarities and contrasts of the two places. A country girl in a city world. I assume it has been okayed, I haven't had confirmation but then again I haven't had refusal. Hey-ho, who knows? I might as well make a start. Along with the 20 minute presentation I am going to create a book of photos, poetry and prose. I am also going to create a separate blog which will deal purely with the project. I must remember to keep my university rants to this one!

Wish me luck because I'm not sure I have a clue what I'm doing any more! Luckily I'm lost and confused in a fascinating city with plenty to explore.

Summer of Rolling Stones

Ok, so I haven't done a blog post since finishing my second year at university, and here I am about to go into my third and final year. Many things have happened, both good and not so good. I finished my second year with a 2.1 overall grade, which was good and I was very pleased with it. Really hope I can keep in the 2.1 area over my third year. We have fewer modules in the last year three modules instead of six, but they are worth more of our final grade so I can't afford to mess up. Unfortunately one of the modules is the dissertation, which is my weak area. I am fine with creative writing and fiction, but when it comes to factual things and essays I fall apart a bit.

After finishing my second year I came to Crete to spend the summer and also the first module of the third year which is our self led work abroad module. Usually coming to Crete revives me and sets me back on track to cope with everything. Unfortunately it didn't work out this year. From my second week here I was beset with a recurrence of kidney stones and IBS. These have been under control for a while, and this was unexpected. Aside from the pain they made me feel rough overall so I haven't been out much at all over the past two months and have barely seen anyone.

Being back for the longest period since starting university has also made me see just how much everything has changed and how bad the situation here is now. I have had to face the hard fact that unless a miracle happens I can not come back to live here after university, which was always my plan. This is the only place that's ever really felt like home to me so it hit me really hard and I got bogged down in depression from this and my health issues. It feels like I've lost a possible future and that I'm adrift, hoping I can find my place in the world. Not feeling well enough to see my friends much hasn't helped, but one of them said the nicest thing a couple of days ago. He said "You might not always see us but we will always be your friends." That made me feel emotional and teary but in a good way. So if any of my friends are reading this, whatever country they're in, I want you to know how much I appreciate you all.

There have been good things over the summer too. We have been to some fascinating historical and scenic places. One of which was the Roman amphitheatre at Aptera. It has been partially excavated, and I can just imagine performances being put on there. The acoustics were amazing, and the backstage area has awoken my imagination, I can see plots and intrigue happening there. A basis for a play is working in my mind!

I also had a week in Prague. It is an absolutely fascinating place and I loved it, despite being a country girl who gets overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of cities. It is a place of contrast, ornate baroque architecture alongside elegant art deco and art nouveau, interspersed with communist brutalism and ultra modern. It is also crazy and bizarre, from David Cerny sculptures to the playwright who won Czech personality of the year despite not actually existing! They re-ran the vote, and he won again! A week only permitted me to scratch the surface. I will have more time to explore though, as I have changed my third year project and will be spending the next three months there instead of Crete. My original project was going to be a photographic and creative writing work based on a sensory feel of Crete. I am still going to keep elements of Crete in it, but will be contrasting them with Prague and the Czech Republic.

So here I am, into my last week in Crete, in temperatures up in the 40s wondering what to pack for three months in a place where the temperature can be anything from 20c to -20c. In one case! I have never experienced such cold temperatures before, so if it goes down that low it will certainly be an experience! I've been told that one year it was sunny and around 22c most days up until Christmas, another year it started snowing in September and didn't stop all winter. So I don't know what to expect! Hope it goes well!

I survived the second!

Well, I have finished my second year at university. I survived! There have been so many times over the last two academic years when I thought I wasn't going to make it. And I must admit this year had left me wrecked, emotionally and physically. But I made it. Still waiting for one more grade from the last module of the year, but that won't be through until at least next month.

So now what? Rest! Relaxation! Recovery! I need these things. At the end of June I'll be going back to Crete, and I'll be there for around 5 months because the first module of third year is our self-motivated study abroad module. My project will be a creative writing one, inspired by the senses of Crete. But enough about that. We're not allowed to start until the middle of September, when the academic year starts. Until then, summer is going to be about chilling out. I will probably not be going out socialising in the evenings as much as usual, I really do need to recover. So a lot of my time will be spent reading in the sun & practising ukulele. No open mic nights for me this year though, my confidence is shot. I don't know how I managed it last year! Getting a First in my performance module helped my confidence a little, but not enough. It's going to be a long road to build it up again. Hopefully the Cretan sun will help.

Anyway, one more grade to come. This is for the research module that involved a portfolio and a short performance. I spoke of it in my last blog post. I didn't have any photos, but one of my coursemates took one during the setting up, while the lights were being sorted. It gives an idea of how things looked. I'm the shadow behind the screen! I'm still undecided about whether to post my performance text here. I'm still thinking about it. It's quite personal after all.

Right, I'm off to rehearsal. Yes I know I said I've finished my year! I have agreed to be in someone's third year show. He has based it on a project a group of us created last year and has built on it, so when he asked if I'd be in it I agreed. It really is a gorgeous piece, based on light. It takes place on Tuesday evening, which happens to be my birthday. Ah well, it's not the first time I've been on stage on my birthday!

Performances and Portfolios

Anyone who knows me in real life or on Facebook will know that I've had a particularly awkward module at university. We've all been worried about it, but yesterday was performance day, and going by what I saw from my coursemates I don't think they have anything to worry about. The module was entitled The Performer as a Real Person. Some of us worked in groups, some of us worked alone. There was a wide range of strong performances yesterday, using autobiographical theatre, verbatim theatre, and immersive theatre. Theatre based on truth. Based on real words and feelings.

I chose to work alone, and did a piece of autobiographical theatre about how isolating it can feel to have Asperger Syndrome. I must admit I found it hard, and during the initial writing process I did get rather depressed. The good thing about my course though is that we are all supportive of each other and encouraging. And I had a small group who promised to cheer me up when I was feeling particularly depressed. One particularly funny thing was the collage. One of my friends, after reading it, said I may have been using the word 'but' too often and that I should think about editing some of them out to make the piece run smoother, She said that as encouragement she would make me a collage for every 'but' that I took out. I removed six. And this was the result:

The Butt Collage! One butt for every but! This certainly made me laugh! With my friends around I couldn't stay depressed for long. Thanks guys, if you read this. It was very much appreciated! You rock!

Once I was over the writing and editing, and on to the staging and scenography, I found things much easier. I decided to do it in the form of a shadow show, to highlight the feelings of separation. I don't have a photo, as I was performing it, but imagine a screen at the back of the stage. One lone spotlight shines from behind the screen, showing the shadow of a woman sitting alone, writing in her diary. I spoke the text as though they were my thoughts, an internal dialogue with myself as I wrote. I don't yet know what the marking tutor thought, but I had some good feedback from my peers.

Now all that remains to be done is to finish writing the portfolio that is to go with the performance to be graded. I have almost finished. I just need to create some diagrams of staging etc. I could actually probably finish it tonight if I wasn't procrastinating by doing this! Once the portfolio has been handed in, I have unofficially finished my second year. The academic year doesn't actually finish until the middle of June, but we have no more work to do after hand-in on Monday. I still can't believe I'm at the end of my second year!

I may post my text from the performance in another blog post if people are interested. I wrote it myself, from my own feelings and experiences.

I'd forgotten about this

Good grief, I haven't done a blog post since 4th December 2014! That was during my first term of university. Now I am nearly at the end of my second year! I ave somehow managed to achieve two Firsts in my grades! Both for performance modules. Think it shows where my strengths lie! This isn't just acting, but the whole creative process including ideas, dramaturgy, basically everything that is involved in making an original performance from scratch. I wouldn't have achieved these grades without the awesome people I was working with. If any of them ever read this, you guys are brilliant!

 The course is being discontinued once we have graduated. Things did go downhill after the announcement, and three of our tutors were given 'voluntary' redundancy once the academic year finished. With two of them, it did show in their teaching. The other one kept his teaching standard up, he is now running an edible bug farm here in Cornwall!

Semester 2 of first year wasn't without its problems. We had a site specific module, and I ended up having to work alone, as I couldn't easily get to where everyone else was working due to health problems. I did get to do some creative writing though, so that was something. The period leading up to performance time was hell though. I needed some surgery, and the hospital scheduled it just at the time of our pre-Christmas performance. I had to phone up to get it rescheduled. Imagine how unimpressed I was when I got a letter scheduling it for the exact day of this Spring performance! I couldn't postpone again without being taken off the waiting list and having to be re-referred, so I applied for extenuating circumstances. I was permitted to perform mine at a different date. Just as well, because I had an accident while acting in a student film a few days before the performance & surgery week. I spent the next few weeks on walking crutches.

Anyway, I passed my first year and spent a nice few weeks in Crete during the summer holidays. I hadn't been planning to go, but shit happened and then I found a really good flight deal. While I was there I did something way out of my comfort zone. I sang at Open Mic night! Playing ukulele and guitar. I am so not a singer so I probably sounded like shit, but never mind. It was fun but scary. I'm not likely to do it this summer though, over this past winter I have lost the confidence I'd built up.

The rest of the summer, back in Cornwall, was a wash out. It rained. And rained. And rained. It didn't stop. The garden turned into a swamp, with a lake in the corner. I don't really have anything to write about those 5-6 weeks.

Year two at uni started off rather crap. We had lost three of the most experienced professors, and the tutor they gave us for our first module never old us what was expected. And he was one to go off on tangents. We'd start off having a lecture on critical thinking or adapting books for stage, and end up in a debate about the word c**t. This really happened.So none of us really knew what we were doing for that module. Many of us got our lowest grades ever. Also, the Head of Theatre had been offered another job somewhere else, and it was obvious he didn't care about this course. To be honest, we were glad when he went. The deputy took over, and she has been doing a much better job. Her hands are tied because of the course being discontinued, but she has been working hard to make things better.

The second half of semester one with the post-dramatic performance modules went better, as we had more established and professional tutors. It was during this that I got the second of my two Firsts. My personal life was not so good though. I was struggling with various health issues and was having a really hard time.

Semester two brought the ecodramaturgy module, and a new tutor who quickly gained the rank of favourite tutor. This was the module that was based in the woods, as people on my Facebook will have read about. Despite the time of year we were lucky with the weather, and only had one wet miserable day. Our performance went well, the presentation went ok, and the essay was handed in this week. I hope we get good grades! We are now concentrating on a module that is about the performer as a real person. This is with the person who quickly gained the rank of least favourite tutor. It is the belief amongst us that she simply isn't suited to teaching above primary school age. This is her first university post, and she really isn't doing well. And she really does talk to us as if we are primary school age! Ah well, one more month to go. We have three weeks to create performances, and 4 weeks to make a portfolio based on it. Hey-ho, that's Theatre at Falmouth!